The Top Three Things You’ll Learn in Your First Semester of Law School:

Thinking about applying to law school? Getting ready to start your first year? I was once in your position, and wish someone told me the following facts about the 1L experience:

1. Don’t Expect to Learn Any Laws Your First Year.

Sounds odd, right? I mean, it’s what you’re in law school to do, right? False. You are in law school to be tortured. No one will tell you this before going in, but there may not even be such thing as “law”. Think I’m lying? Skim through a case book and find a case, any case. Read it. Now read the next case. Why did you just read two cases on the same law that had entirely opposite outcomes? Why did the judge in the second case interpret the same law differently than the judge did in the first case? Because judges live to torture law students, and there is no such thing as “law”, it’s an illusion. Welcome!

2. Your Professors’ Greatest Joy in Life is Confusing You.

But professors are supposed to teach you, right? False. You are in law school to be tortured, keep up! Your professors will not stand in front of the class and spoon feed you the information that will be on the test. That would make entirely too much sense. Instead, they will spend their 2 hour lecture cryptically talking about a law without ever entirely explaining it or laying out the elements. Are you good at puzzles? Does piecing together a 2,000 piece puzzle without having access to the picture you’re piecing together sound fun to you? If you answered yes, you’ll be great at law school as long as you can finish that 2,000 piece puzzle in under 5 minutes. Which brings me to the next fact…

3. The Only People Who Get Straight A’s in Law School are Actually Not People at all, but Very Realistic Looking Robots.

But I can study hard and put in the effort and do just as well as the robots, right? False. You are in law school to be tortured. Robots torture people. Robots can finish assignments in half the time it takes a natural human. The human law students spend about 20 hours per day studying, 4 hours per night sleeping, and every once in a while we fit in meals and showers. Robots have the upper advantage because they don’t eat, sleep, or sweat. Unless you can somehow gain access to over 24 hours per day, don’t expect to beat them. However, if you have the power to stop time, you may actually stand a chance.

In sum, law schools are institutions where some of the best and brightest people go to get tortured by robots for three years before practicing “law”, which is actually an imaginary concept interpreted differently in every case because judges love torturing law students. Enjoy!